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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Like
Based
Jews
People
Saws
Jewish
Brighton
Walking
Neighborhood
Exodus
Game
Jew
Egypt
Called
Beach
Russian
Games
Stores
Board
Around
Spent
Boards
Today
Soon
Store

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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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