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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Baby
Anything
Even
Burglar
Burglars
Throw

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
Eugene Mirman
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Eugene Mirman
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Eugene Mirman
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Eugene Mirman
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
Eugene Mirman
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene Mirman
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
Eugene Mirman
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Eugene Mirman
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Eugene Mirman
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
Eugene Mirman
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
Eugene Mirman