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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Gates
Drug
Gateway
Gateways
Gate
Opens
Wanna

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
Eugene Mirman
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Eugene Mirman
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
Eugene Mirman
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
Eugene Mirman
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman