Quote

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Drunk
Regret
Sort
Sometimes
Something
Aces

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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
Eugene Mirman
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Eugene Mirman
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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