Quote

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Good
Surprise
Massage
Hour
Airport
Gives
Airports
Hours
Traveler
Chance
Weary
Give
Extra
Giving
Extras
Massages
Thing
Stuck
Travelers

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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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