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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Simply
America
Qualification
Qualifications
Qualified
Adopted
Attitude

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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Eugene Mirman
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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