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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Would
Think
Bike
Thinking
Cheese
Like
Wouldn
People
Education
Words
Kids
Things

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene Mirman
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Eugene Mirman
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene Mirman
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Eugene Mirman
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Eugene Mirman