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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Like
Wouldn
People
Education
Words
Kids
Things
Would
Think
Bike
Thinking
Cheese

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene Mirman
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
Eugene Mirman
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
Eugene Mirman
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
Eugene Mirman
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Eugene Mirman
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
Eugene Mirman
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Eugene Mirman
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Eugene Mirman
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman