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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Things
Opening
Bears
City
Cities
Thai
Started
Returning
Poor
Detroit
Found
Restaurants
Best
Neighborhood
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene Mirman
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman
I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
Eugene Mirman
There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
Eugene Mirman
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Eugene Mirman
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Eugene Mirman
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
Eugene Mirman
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
Eugene Mirman
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
Eugene Mirman
In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
Eugene Mirman
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Eugene Mirman
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Eugene Mirman
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
Eugene Mirman
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
Eugene Mirman
