Quote

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Ever
Much
Paperwork
Love
Tons
People
Fill
Promise
Marriage
Stop
Two

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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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