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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Reason
Live
Airing
Rove
Karl
Underground
Future

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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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