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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Guy
Whichever
Place
Wrestling
Also
Bars
Right
Guys
Feels
Sex
Great
Meet
Either
Sports
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
Eugene Mirman
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
Eugene Mirman
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Eugene Mirman
Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
Eugene Mirman
I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
Eugene Mirman
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene Mirman
I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
Eugene Mirman
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
Eugene Mirman
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
Eugene Mirman
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
Eugene Mirman
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Eugene Mirman
Try not to wake up on fire.
Eugene Mirman
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Eugene Mirman
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Eugene Mirman
