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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Retarded
Pretending
Treasure
Figures
Life
Greeted

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
Eugene Mirman
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Eugene Mirman