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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Dead
Lying
Play
Think
Thinking
Promoted
Attacked
Bear
Bears

More quotes by Eugene Mirman

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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
Eugene Mirman