Quote

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Like
Realizing
Lady
Painless
Hurt
Drawing
Billboards
Causes
Guess
Snap
Child
Saws
Snaps
Give
Birth
Butterfly
Giving
Realize
Raising
Children
Cause
Hurts
Going
Huge
Abortion
Billboard

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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman