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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Year
Years
Asperger
Aspergers
Twelve
Boys

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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say nihilism? You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
Eugene Mirman