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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Asperger
Aspergers
Twelve
Boys
Year
Years

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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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