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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Time
Girls
Sex
Baby
Boys
Dies
Wrong
Vaginas
Girl
Penises
Make
Touch
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
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A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
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I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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