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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
Eugene Mirman
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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Make
Touch
Time
Girls
Sex
Baby
Boys
Dies
Wrong
Vaginas
Girl
Penises
More quotes by Eugene Mirman
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.
Eugene Mirman
Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.
Eugene Mirman
I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
Eugene Mirman
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
Eugene Mirman
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
Eugene Mirman
Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
Eugene Mirman
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
Eugene Mirman
I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.
Eugene Mirman
Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
Eugene Mirman
You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
Eugene Mirman
Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Eugene Mirman
If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
Eugene Mirman
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
Eugene Mirman
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene Mirman
Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
Eugene Mirman
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Eugene Mirman
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
Eugene Mirman
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Eugene Mirman
