Quote

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Wrong
Vaginas
Girl
Penises
Make
Touch
Time
Girls
Sex
Baby
Boys
Dies

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Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
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In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
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I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.
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School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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