Quote

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Eugene Mirman

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Eugene Mirman
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: July 24
Actor
Comedian
Director
Dub Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Television Director
Voice Actor
Moscow
Russian SFSR
Thinking
Drinking
Baby
Especially
Father
Kids
Good
Would
Liked
Think
Dad

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It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
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I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.
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On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.
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What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
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You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.
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God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
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You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.
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Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
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I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.
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I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.
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Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.
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Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
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Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?
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The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
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Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
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Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
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Try not to wake up on fire.
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The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.
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There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.
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Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
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