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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Redwood
Redwoods
Ninety
Foot
According
Feet
Way
Girth

More quotes by Erma Bombeck

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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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I used everything you gave me.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
Erma Bombeck
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Erma Bombeck
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I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.
Erma Bombeck