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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Else
Best
Parenting
Children
Killing
Thing
Negative
Anyone
Hope
Wish
Keep

More quotes by Erma Bombeck

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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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