Quote

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Thing
Negative
Anyone
Hope
Wish
Keep
Else
Best
Parenting
Children
Killing

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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
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