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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Today
Motherhood
Biggest
Program
Training
Existence
Jobs

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I used everything you gave me.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
Erma Bombeck
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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