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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Children
Never
Spit
Babies
Baby
Television

More quotes by Erma Bombeck

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She's as funny as a toothache
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
Erma Bombeck
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
Erma Bombeck
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
Erma Bombeck
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Erma Bombeck
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
Erma Bombeck
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
Erma Bombeck
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
Erma Bombeck
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
Erma Bombeck
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
Erma Bombeck