Quote

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Never
Birthday
Defends
Saws
Priest
Husband
Boyfriend
Gets
Diet
Friend
Electric
Wife
Diets
Tell
Priests
Doesn
Fats

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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
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To say, Well, I write when I really get into it is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.
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Friends are annuals that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a perennial that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Erma Bombeck
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
Erma Bombeck
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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