Quote

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Magazine
Testimonial
Food
Magazines
Thermometer
Days
Dress
Thermometers
Woman
Thirty
Dieting
Stories
Dresses
Photo
Wells
Later
Wore
Well
Sex
Jersey
Always
Dressed
Like
Looked

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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
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I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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