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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Findings
Finding
Husband
Keep
Kids
Advocated
Years
Vacations
Vacation
Separate

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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Never order food in excess of your body weight.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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