Quote

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Rooms
Candles
Playing
Speaker
Feet
Returns
Half
Speakers
Difficult
Occasionally
Earth
Candle
Room
Melted
Return
Notices

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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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I used everything you gave me.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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