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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Race
Ride
Hours
Ball
Bicycle
Fighting
Explain
Camp
War
Balls
Swing
Running
Driven
Swings
Play
Eight
Garbage
Son
Camps
Fight
Swim

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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
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Enter my first neighbor - a woman who spoke in complete, coherent sentences, who ate with a knife and fork and who only cried at weddings. I couldn't help myself. In a dramatic gesture, I bolted the door and threw my body across it to prevent her exit. She understood.
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