Quote

Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Play
Eight
Garbage
Son
Camps
Fight
Swim
Race
Ride
Hours
Ball
Bicycle
Fighting
Explain
Camp
War
Balls
Swing
Running
Driven
Swings

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Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.
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Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
Erma Bombeck