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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Flight
Size
South
Plans
Mosquitoes
File
Files
Pacific
Required

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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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