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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Life
Adolescence
Discover
Keys
Car
Reach
Meaning
Age
Children
Sixteen

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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.
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Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
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It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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