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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
Erma Bombeck
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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Discover
Keys
Car
Reach
Meaning
Age
Children
Sixteen
Life
Adolescence
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
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Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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