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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Fire
Fires
Maybe
Brush
Funny
Brushes
Feel
Flood
Feels
Cheer
Sudden
Smog
California
Floods
Tired
Earthquakes

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My mother phones daily to ask, Did you just try to reach me? When I reply no, she adds, So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive, . . . and hangs up.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
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Children make your life important.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, I told you so.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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I lost everything in the post-natal depression.
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