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A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Kitchen
American
Without
Garfunkel
Like
Ironing
Kidding
Simon
Board
Boards

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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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I read one psychologist's theory that said, Never strike a child in your anger. When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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Children make your life important.
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
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Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
Erma Bombeck
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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