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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Worry
Fattening
Lettuce
Discovering
Scientists
Scientist
Along

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Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
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Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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