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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Fattening
Lettuce
Discovering
Scientists
Scientist
Along
Worry

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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
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Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
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I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying Open! was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck
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I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
Erma Bombeck
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If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?
Erma Bombeck