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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Discovering
Scientists
Scientist
Along
Worry
Fattening
Lettuce

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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to get married.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see ... we listen, but never hear ... we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
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