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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Wouldn
Wonderful
Telephones
Marry
Phone
Humorous
Phones
Instruments
Daughter

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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She's as funny as a toothache
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing.... Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, I told you so.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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Some say the antique syndrome surfaced to offset the newness of the land, the homes, and the settlers. Some say the interest was initiated by a desire to return to the roots of yesterday. I contend the entire movement to acquire antiques was born out of sheer respect of things that lasted longer than fifteen minutes.
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It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
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I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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