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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Mother
Awake
Remember
Fifty
Body
Humorous
Years
Seven
Make
Lead
Stay
Year
Funny
Motherhood

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I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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Children make your life important.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
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Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
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When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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