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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Didn
Bumper
Way
Chain
Vegetarian
Chains
Fight
Food
Fighting

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It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
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Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
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Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. What shall we name the other one? I smiled. She was not amused.
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Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?
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A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.
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Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
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When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later.
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