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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Going
Mind
Never
Punishing
Saying
Stop
Children

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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
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I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.
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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
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Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
Erma Bombeck
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Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.
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I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
Erma Bombeck
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of go out and fulfill your dreams and be everything you were meant to be. But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
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