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I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Punishing
Saying
Stop
Children
Going
Mind
Never

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I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.
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Do I have to use my own money?
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Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
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I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.
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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
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One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.
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Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
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Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Children make your life important.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
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