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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Engaged
Parents
Crazy
Either
Parent
Rivalry
Never
Sibling
Sister
Weren

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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
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Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
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Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
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The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.
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Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
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