Quote

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Vary
Boxes
Disclaimer
Direction
Disclaimers
Food
Microwave
Read
Microwaves
Means
Loosely
Mean
Ludicrous
Translated

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It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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Children make your life important.
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Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
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I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture.
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Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
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I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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Written on her tombstone: I told you I was sick.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.
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Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
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It's [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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