Quote

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Means
Loosely
Mean
Ludicrous
Translated
Vary
Boxes
Disclaimer
Direction
Disclaimers
Food
Microwave
Read
Microwaves

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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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Never order food in excess of your body weight.
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