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I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Invited
Dinner
Friends
Even
Sofa
Would
Stained
Sofas
Faded
Carpet

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Children make your life important.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
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You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.
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There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
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Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
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There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
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One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
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