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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Animals
Animal
Good
Poached
Eggs

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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
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I read one psychologist's theory that said, Never strike a child in your anger. When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
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Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
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My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's happened to ME! I know just what she's talking about!
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There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
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I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
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I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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