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Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Poached
Eggs
Animals
Animal
Good

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With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering over their waste can, the hamster trying to escape to cleaner air, the bedrooms decorated in Early Bus Station Restroom.
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Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
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When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty just adding water. Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.
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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, Could I get you your check? and we answered, How about the menu first?
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Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
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I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.
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You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
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Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
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You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
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I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
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Myths that need clarification: No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears. False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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Myths that need clarification: Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach. False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
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