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The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
Age: 69 †
Born: 1927
Born: February 21
Died: 1996
Died: April 22
Column Author
Journalist
Writer
Bellbrook
Ohio
Erma Louise Bombeck
Needs
Child
Gain
Made
Moment
Anxiety
Believe
Making
Gains
Never
Mother
Function
Motherhood
Moments
Sex
Caused
Art
Respect
Crucial
Must
Mistake
Effective
Children
Decision
Engaged

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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
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Children make your life important.
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
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Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
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Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.
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Kids are without a doubt the most suspicious diners in the world. They will eat mud (raw or baked) rocks, paste, crayons, ball-point pens, moving goldfish, cigarette butts, and cat food. Try to coax a little beef stew into their mouths and they look at you like a puppy when you stand over him with the Sunday paper rolled up.
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I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
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A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
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When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
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I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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There is so much to teach, and the time goes so fast.
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